I’m a big girl
5’8”
240 lbs.
shoulder length hair
dyed brown, red, purple
I used to think I was pretty
with my hair pulled up
curled at the edges
thin black eye liner
red lips
powdered face
cute earrings
until you told me I didn’t
I liked dressing up
spending an hour on my hair for
just one look of amazement from
someone
anyone
until you told me you didn’t like it
you said you liked girls to look natural
no make-up
no hair up
no nails done
no earrings
so then the simple things
that I did for myself
brought me no joy
no more good feelings
because you said I didn’t look pretty
so even now
as I sit in anger, frustration, and sadness
I have no joy
you like the power you have over me
well, no more
no more
you don’t own me
you cant abuse my feelings anymore
I wont allow it
no more
no more telling me I’m of no use to you
no more blaming me because your problems aren’t fixed
I tried
but trying was not good enough
you complained
and I changed
and it still wasn’t good enough
so now I’m hurt
no more little things that made me happy
I just want to be alone
I remember a time
when I could be alone
because I loved myself
I would sit in my room and color
or stitch
watch movies
and I liked being alone
because I loved myself
I could depend on myself
I didn’t need anyone to be happy
now I depend on everyone but myself
to be happy
no more being sick
no more staying home from school
no more being told I’m worthless
it used to be Jen, think about yourself
and what will make you happy
now its Jen
think about me think about your other
friends
and what will make them happy
I have changed
everyone has taken a step away from me
Tiffany, Amie, Krystie, countless others
they got sick of hearing it
and so am I
no more crying
I don’t need you
I cant stand being so unhappy
I have lost touch with everything I
have once loved
everything that made me happy
you have my heart
and I leave you with it
you used it
abused the privilege of holding it
so I walk away now
in hopes to find someone who will give me theirs
to fill the space where mine once was
but can never be put back
I will give my love
my emotions
to them
but they will never have my heart
because not even I have it
not anymore
sadness seeps through where it once was
memories haunt me
make me want to give in
to endless depression
and worthlessness
the day you told me I meant nothing to you
and said you were leaving because
my trying was not good enough
was the day I turned
and walked away
no more phone calls
until 2 A.M.
no more crying because
you hurt my feelings
no more you telling me
what I’m doing wrong
in the relationship
we don’t even have
I hope you are not as sad as I am
because we are not breaking up
we never were together
there was a time when you made
me feel better
but not anymore
I cry now
I will miss our talks outside my house
until 3 in the morning
about everything
and nothing at all
you are the only one I can talk to like that
and now you’re gone
and I’m alone
everyone has left
they are tired of me
ad so are you
and I know that if I called you
you would take me back
even though we’re not together
but nothing would be
solved
nothing fixed
ill miss your arms
around me
holding me
as we sleep next to each other
even when I moved
your arms moved to go around me
ill miss your wisdom
your help when I am sad
ill miss going to Friday’s with you
you sitting next to me
with one arm around me
ill miss your wonderful taste in music
that was so much like mine
you holding my hand as we drive
down the road
or walk down the street
in the store
your great sense of humor
ill miss you
I’m scared of what will happen next
will you convince everyone I’m evil
will you kick me out of the group
not let anyone talk to me again
and hate them if they do
will I be another lost person
who did such a horrible crime
of everything you ever asked me to
and more
will you make people choose
me or you
will I
I don’t know
you might find someone who cares as much as I do
and if you do I hope you treat her
better than me
or you will lose her too
there’s something about you
that keeps drawing me back
I don’t know what
but I’ll miss it
I think its the feeling we
speak of
the one I have
the one you don’t
but I’m going to give it up
who is leaving who
I don’t know
it doesn’t matter
I need to find happiness
you do too
and I wish you luck
to all my friends
I am sorry
I have let you down
I used to be the one you could come talk to
your fairy godmother
but I am not
as soon as I was given the label
I had my own depression to deal with
and I couldn’t handle anything
I pushed you away when you tried to help
pushed you to the point where you didn’t want to come beck
but I need you now more than ever
my friends
who have never let me down
I’m so sorry
I let things get the best of me
and I had nothing left
I’m working on getting through this
it’s just so hard
I wish I had let go earlier
I wish I had “come up out of the water”
because now it just hurts more
I don’t talk anymore
because so many have made me feel
like I cant
I’m not allowed to
so I’m convinced that I shouldn’t
no one will care
please prove me wrong
because I am talking now
I am not innocent
I have cut myself
made myself sick
attempted to kill myself
and now I am here
talking
please help me
help me find happiness
don’t give up on me
keep me strong
and perhaps
the little things that once made me happy
will be there again
making me smile.
Jen
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orangeandpeachy's journal
